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In our situation we have commitment to our vows as the thread holding us together. Not quite the same but at least we do have something. Hugs to you also. This article is exactly on target. How can I communicate this is how I feel without just coming out and saying it? Should I just forward he this posting and say, "this is where I am"? Although it's been over a year and I have forgiven her the affair, it is STILL very painful and triggers abound everywhere. In the midst of the pain I often withdraw and then she asks me what's wrong and I have to lie because if I tell her the truth then she says I am just throwing her past failure back in her face to hurt her.
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So, I suck it up and act like everything is "OK" and die a little more. What can I do? Recently, we have had a set back at a place of "not the whole truth". No affair just a place where an agreement wasn't met and we have not been able to fully get back to where we were at before this and after our EMS weekend. Part of the reason for this is from him shutting down and not talking or answering questions again.
I know, or I hope we find our way back and beyond where we hope to be. Every time we visit with someone it seems the shame diminishes and we get better. Our hope in in the Lord and what the Lord has brought us through you Rick and your ministry. Our children now say, "it's Tuesday aren't you guys getting on call" or "we can't do that Tuesday night you guys have call". What your children teach you. It was exactly 5 years ago this month that I had my day of discovery of my husbands affair.
I thank God daily that my husband was willing to own up to the affair and work to restore our marriage.
The first several months I was full of questions which he answered as best as he could. We were in couples therapy and he was in individual therapy.
Mutual Healing: After the Affair by Rod McBride -
And he was willing to do that which was HUGE! He is a flirt and gregarious which never amounted to anything until this one particular woman came into the picture. My h had a lot to learn about boundaries and how they could be misinterpreted.
There was a relapses with another woman 2 years later which I found out about immediately. This time he got defensive about the emails but when he was shown how his words could be misinterpreted, I think he finally got it. Like I said it has been five years from discovery and we are in a good place. At times I think it was only a horrible nightmare and not reality. Couples can recover if both parties are up to confessing and forgiving and learning from the experience.
It gives me hope that things are going ok for you. We are only one month into this hell and it is hard to have hope. Wow I agree and dis agree with this. I disagree with the premis that the actions of one person is need for the healing of another personly I feel to many people combine healing after infidelity but there is 3 healings that have to take place the hurt spouse personaly the unfaithful spouse and the marriage. For the hurt spouse to heal they need to first be able to forgive past present and future I know this sounds crazy but it is imortant again using the terms from EMSO I am talking vertical forgiveness the point is you are working to heal yourself to help get over the pain if we shift our focuse to how God see's us and not a sinful spouse and can draw on that to heal you will do it much faster and more completely because it is not dependent on a flawed spouse to do so.
The healing of the marriage will take the actions of the other spouse but if you have found healing through Christ then you are better able to look at your unfaithfull spouse in a more honest light with far less bitterness and more hope than when you are still hurting and feel alone. And I speak this from personal expearance because healed this way I did not depend on my wife's behaivor to heal she struggles with the consept of empathy she was not going to be of much help but again it was my personal healing that was needed so I learned to forgive her past, present and future that done I was able to release all that pain andself dout and everything else that overcame me with the finding out of what had happened.
Once I was able to look at my self as a child of God and not just her husband I was able to rebuild my self image and worth which went a long way to be able to then look at my wife as who she realy is and not for what she had done which also speed up the rebuilding of our marriage. I think she still has healing to do with in her self but our marriage is better now than it may have ever been and that has been possible because I was able to find healing through Christ and not bedependent on my wife.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I think I 'get' the process you describe and how you have changed your focus to building yourself a safer life by looking vertically for guidance, wisdom trusting in God. I try, but when it comes back down to day to day life and being able to feel trust and safety within my partnership with my spouse and reconnect with someone who doesn't "get it" and who shows litter remorse, empathy or understanding of what I am feeling and struggling with It doesn't work for me.
I have grown stronger with Gods help and in many ways because of looking vertically grown farther away and more different than my spouse. I try to return time and time again to the belief that God does not want me to look only to my Man as a source of safety and secure haven in the storms of life And have to struggle with the question of 'does God really want me to go through the rest of my life this alone? Yet, I don't get the feeling that my spouse ever be That is not the way I want to continue to live. So, I have to ask God, is this it?
I get to grow old and learn a lot waiting for a spouse who doesn't or not on same time line, and its 5 years after discovering 2 affairs Hey David just found out 2 mouths ago wife was with coworker. She won't all the way admit it. But I know she is sorry and is trying. She does want to be with me forever and I can tell she is sick she did whst she did.
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However she to has hard time showing this and just shuts down if I talk about it. What you say is right in my eyes you your self has to come to peace, I do trust now that it's over, she is sorry. I'm just trying to come to peace of it. It hard. For the first time in nearly two years I feel that someone actually cares. Thankyou for writing this article, it's exacy what I have tried and failed to explain atleast times. I don't have much hope for us, but I finally have now have some hope for me.
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I found this article when searching for "empathy for spouse leaving affair. She became pregnant during the affair, the child was born, and he was proven the father. We separated for a couple of months because he wasn't sure what he wanted, but he finally came home to me and our children. I have forgiven him. However, the marriage is stuck because he is racked with guilt and shame. She was supposed to be on birth control but claims it failed so he feels that he forced her be a single mother by choosing me. He has been back with me for 18 months now, but our marriage is still really dysfunctional.
He says no one knows how he feels and he just wants to be supported for his loss. I have been trying to show him empathy but he says he can't believe it's genuine. Yet he has no one to support him. His family hates what he did. His friends aren't very empathetic either. In the meantime, my wounds are not tended to at all. He says he has nothing to give me because he is so empty inside. He misses the other woman and child, and believes he is a terrible person.
I have told him I know that he did not mean for anyone to get hurt by the affair, especially not an innocent child, but he says that's logical but does not address his emotions. He wants me to tolerate the "stuck" marriage because that would show I was empathizing with his pain, loss, grief. He says he doesn't know if he'll ever get over it, for the rest of his life. He is so shame-filled and stuck, we are more disconnected than ever. He can't even give me a real kiss. He says it feels like a betrayal to her. I don't know what to do. My wife and I just finished the online 13 week course.
Unfortunately we had another D-day 9 weeks into the course and I am having a lot of trouble moving forward now. How do we find a counselor who is well versed in Affair Recovery? We live in north San Diego area. Please help. This is so true and I've seen the need my husband has for me to understand and be empathetic. It's taken a loooong time for me to be bale to listen to his pain without breaking down in crying and begging spells. Besides listening to his pain and responding with "you're right" or "I;m so sorry I did that to you" how else can the betraying spouse show empathy and understanding?
You can show empathy by listening, reflecting back what you heard and asking questions about their pain. Can you explain more about that? How are you today? Do you need me to listen? I'm interested in what you are going through.
Related Mutual Healing: After the Affair
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